♪ James Bond-style music
(Groans)
(Baroque string ensemble)
BOTH: Oooh!
- Exciting, innit? - Yeah.
God, l'm glad Dave invited us.
(Posh accent) Oh, hello!
Absolutely no idea who that was.
Jen, love, what l don't get is that if it was by invitation, why have you got to pay?
Oh, shut up! lt's for charity.
Charity! That woman's tiara down there, that could pay off the Third World debt!
l know. Posh Spice. Oh, l'm a bit nervous.
Don't be! Don't be.
They're no different to us, no better than us.
They still go to the toilet. They still wipe their...
Arses, yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Come on.
- (Posh) Care to join me, darling? - (Posh) How kind.
- Oh, God. - Oh, right. Six o'clock, six o'clock.
- Wig, wig. - (Posh) Hello. Good evening.
Oh, my God.
- Have l told you how wonderful you look? - More than once.
- But don't let that put you off. - You look a million dollars.
Did you see the price tag?
Money well spent! You can write it off against tax.
Henry! Good to see you. We must have a conversation.
l thought this was a social occasion?
God, no. Strictly business.
- l hope Pete and Adam don't embarrass me. - Why should they?
They're not the most refined of our friends. Here's Pete and Jenny... What is he wearing?
Where are they?
l was this close to buying this place.
Don't mind if l do.
- l won't. - Oh, you can have a couple of glasses!
- Best not. - Why did you insist on bringing the car?
- l really don't mind. - What fun are you going to be?
Adam, you do not have to be pissed to have a good time.
Yeah, right!
Thank you.
Hi.
- Hello! - Hello!
- Hi. Nice do. - Yeah, lovely.
- Karen. - Excuse me. Drinks, everyone?
Oh, not this again. Have you got any beer?
There's possibly some at the bar.
- Shall we? - Why not?
- Ladies. - Ladies.
- How are you doing? - l'm fine.
l'm fine.
- What's for dessert? - Summer Pudding.
- (Posh) With custard? - Yes.
Oh, thanks very much.
Pete Gifford.
And Adam Williams.
Hey, er...
- Er, yeah... - Julian Ayres.
BOTH: Pubes!
How are you doing?
Good. Great. l tend to be called Julian now.
Sure. Great. So, what brings you here?
Susan.
- She's an accountant. - Wow! You finally got a date, then?
We've been married five years. Got three kids.
- Oh, really? - How about you?
Me, too. A little baby boy.
And don't tell me...divorced.
Why do you say that?
Sorry. Married, then.
No.
Oh. Well...
Anyway, great to see you guys. Maybe catch you later.
Pubic hairs.
Twat. Come on.
- Does that have a hem? - Oh, double-stitched.
Nice.
JENNY: Cheers.
We'll get some more.
Waiter! Waiter!
Hello! That's my husband.
Oh, l'm terribly sorry, old boy. My mistake. Bill Lawrence.
Pleasure.
- l thought you were going to get a pint. - You've got to pay for it!
- l thought, bugger it, l'll drink champagne. - lf Jenny's left you any.
Er, right.
So that's my better half, Pete.
And this is Rach's boyfriend, Adam.
Boys, this is Bill's wife, Natalie. She works for David.
No, actually, David works for me. l'm his boss.
- Oh. Sorry. - lt's all right, honey, you're doing just fine.
BlLL: Er, look, more champagne?
- Jenny? - Yeah.
BlLL: (Muffled) Does anybody else want any? - Yeah.
(Fizzing)
Right.
- Come here. - l'm coming.
Thanks.
Why is it married people always look down on you if you aren't married?
- Eh? - Pubes.
- He treated me like a leper. - Did he bollocks!
You would say that. You're married, too.
You know, it's because...
married people need to reassure themselves they haven't made a terrible mistake.
That's why you want everyone to join the same happy club.
You know, Peter,
not all of us want to.
- Most people do. - Well, not me, mate.
You mean to tell me the thought of marrying Rachel has never crossed your mind?
£50?
l want to hire it, not buy it!
That is the cost of hire, sir,
though the cummerbund is extra.
Yeah, well, it's naff, anyway. Too English.
Rach, what do you think?
♪ Maybe tomorrow
Never.
l don't know what your problem is.
lt's the assumption that only married people can have lasting relationships.
Just cos you are married doesn't mean you're happy!
- Yeah, we've just had a baby! - Huh! Reason enough!
l know what your problem is - fear.
- Fear of failure. - Bollocks!
l love it when you're angry.
Can l ask you a personal question?
Are you suffering from a urinary infection?
l've never known anyone piss as much as you, apart from my grandmother.
l thought you were going to ask me if l was pregnant.
Yeah, right!
So, are you?
Pregnant?
Suffering from a urinary infection.
No!
l'm pregnant.
What?
Rachel! That is fantastic!
That's fantastic!
lsn't it?
Well, it's not exactly something that we planned.
Yeah, but you must be delighted!
Must l? What's Adam going to say?
Well, haven't you told him yet?
Well, you know what he's like about children.
Yeah, he loves children.
Yeah, well, other people's.
That's the second problem.
lt might not be his.
Where have the girls got to?
OK, David, so it would be a hostile takeover, but what the hell! Wyatts are vulnerable.
ls that the biscuit people?
NATALlE: Excuse me?
Er...Wyatts Jammy Mouthfuls.
Biscuits are part of their manufacturing division, but they're a multinational conglomerate.
NATALlE: Anyway...
last quarter's results were disappointing.
Sales are down, their share price is at an all-time low...
(Oinks) ♪ So yummy
♪ They fill your...
BOTH: Bom bom! JENNY: Tummy.
- And the significance of this is what? - lt's cack, innit?
lt's their new advertising slogan.
l thought that might explain why sales are down.
You know, l think it's just a little more complicated than that.
Oh, right. Well, sorry for having an opinion, Miss America.
Oh, look, why don't you have yet another drink, and leave us to talk business, OK?
Have you ever seen that trick where you set fire to a bit of this paper
and it floats right up to the ceiling?
No, l don't think that's a good idea, Pete.
l just think that if companies listen to consumers, they might not have such a lot of trouble.
Oh, and what are you? A housewife with a Masters in Business Administration?
Pete, why don't you show us that trick with the biscuit paper?
l thought you'd never ask.
Kris?
Your ex-husband?
You saw him to get a divorce, Rachel.
l know, but...
Well, negotiations proved a little more complex than anticipated.
l'll say.
When did it happen?
The first night.
He had nowhere to stay, so...
l invited him back.
We were both really drunk.
Well, l was particularly drunk.
ln fact, l threw up all over him.
And he saw that as a come-on, did he?
Well...
it was kind of romantic.
Anyway, we were...
We were standing by the bed and...
Oh, sorry.
(Thunder)
KAREN: Hang on a minute.
- What were you doing in the bedroom? - Getting one of Adam's shirts for him to wear.
OK.
This reminds me of Florence.
(Laughs) No. The problem then was a dicky tummy.
No.
l mean when we got caught in the thunderstorm.
And we hid in a bus shelter.
And we were soaked.
And l took my shirt off.
So did l.
(Thunder rumbles)
And we made love.
(Thunderclap)
ln the bus shelter!
Well, it was in ltaly! lt was...
Oh, it was crazy, it was passionate!
And the last time?
Oh. lt was crazy.
And passionate.
You know, l've never really got over him.
He got over you, Rach.
Yes.
- Where was Adam? - He was on his way home.
He almost caught us.
Rachel.
Didn't you even take any precautions?
Well, l locked the front door.
Not that kind of precautions!
Oh, no. lt all happened so quickly!
lt usually does when they're drunk.
Do you think Kris is the father?
He could be. lt could be Adam.
What are you going to do?
l don't know.
l mean, it's still really early, so...
..maybe l just won't go through with it.
Well, l could have a termination, couldn't l?
An abortion, Rachel.
Look, before you make a decision, go and have a scan.
lt'll give you a better idea of when you conceived.
Kris was a one-off, wasn't he?
- Yes, of course. - So, hopefully, it will rule him out.
OK.
- (Sighs) - Thank you.
- Hey, you silly bollocks, you! - lt was just supposed to float up to the top...
l thought the wife was stupid, but the husband seems to be missing a chromosome.
(Screams)
(Cackles)
l'll have you!
Oh, yes!
Come on, then!
Yeah, get off!
Come on, Bill. Let's go.
Look, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie...
David, l believe we should be going as well.
- See you! NATALlE: Shut up!
Thanks, lads.
Ah!
(Laughs)
ls everyone dancing?
(Retching)
(Toilet flushes)
- Are you OK? - lt must be something l ate.
- What? - Maybe those mussels at the weekend.
- Well, you should see a doctor, eh? - Yeah, l've got an appointment for today.
- Don't worry, l'm sure it's nothing. - OK.
We didn't have mussels at the weekend!
(Phone rings)
Rachel Bradley's office.
Oh.
Hi. Yeah, hi, Brian, it's Adam. ls Rachel there?
- She's still at the hospital. - Hospital?
- l thought she was going to see a doctor? - That's where you find doctors.
Yeah, thanks, Brian.
God, it must be more serious than l thought. Has she gone to casualty?
lt just says Doctor Habibi.
OK, thanks, Brian. Bye.
Excuse me. l'm looking for a Rachel Bradley.
We've got a Robert Bradley.
l'm sure her name is Rachel.
- She's seeing a Doctor Habibi. - Ah, right. Next block. Third floor.
Thanks.
Sorry.
This is your 1 2-week scan, is it?
More or less. Actually, more or less would be good if it's by a couple of weeks.
Oh, well, you'll soon know. ls your partner not with you?
No, he's got a really important meeting, so...
But he is supportive, is he?
Oh, yes, very. He just couldn't make it.
Thank you.
- Er...Dr Habibi? - Up there on your left.
Thanks.
Oh, hi! l'm looking for Rachel Bradley.
l'm her boyfriend.
Oh! Congratulations!
For being her boyfriend?
She's just down here.
lt all looks perfectly healthy.
Mmm?
l'm going to take some measurements, then l'll give you your due date.
Oh, thank you.
(Coughs)
- Adam? - Hi, Rach.
l thought you might like some moral support.
This is my boyfriend.
Oh, well, pull up a chair. Come take a look.
- ls that all right? - Of course.
Thanks.
DR HABlBl: What do you make of that?
ls it a kidney stone?
Don't they know what it is?
lt's too early to say. At 20 weeks, we'll be able to tell its sex.
We need to talk.
Oh, dear.
- What are you staring at? - You. l'm trying to imagine you as a father.
Hah! l've tried that myself. l looked in the mirror. Did not work.
Well, you've got nine months to think about it.
Less if she's just had a scan.
How did you react when the penny dropped?
How could l react? l had to pretend l was pleased.
Well! Haaaa! Phwoooh! Mmm!
Och! Give me a break! lt was a surprise.
Yeah, but why didn't she tell you?
Good question.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, it's a bit complicated.
What? Because of your job?
Yeah.
There you go.
KAREN: So did you tell him?
l...l couldn't!
Not with the gynaecologist there.
And besides, she hadn't worked out my dates yet, so l didn't know it was an issue.
And is it?
Yes.
Still, it narrows the field down to two, doesn't it?
(Sighs)
- You're still going to have to tell Adam. - But it might be his!
Yeah, and what if it's not?
lf you want to stare at tit, why don't you buy Playboy?
Pardon?
Oh, l'm sorry. Sorry.
lt's just l'm expecting a baby.
Well, not me, obviously. My girlfriend.
Oh, right.
- First, is it? - Yeah.
You're not sure about it.
How do you know that?
lt's a big change.
The biggest.
How did your partner react?
He left me. Now we're fighting for custody.
l'm sorry.
lt's all right. We were having problems before.
l thought a baby might help.
l've heard a lot of couples do that.
lt explains why the divorce rate's so high.
Have you ever held a baby before?
Just my godson. He's named after me.
The best bit's handing him back.
Do you mind if l have a wee hold?
- What's his name? - Maggie.
lt's an unusual name for a boy.
Hello, Maggie. Hello, darling.
Ha! Oooh! Aah!
You're a natural.
Do you think so?
ls this your new bloke?
Stu!
- You didn't waste any time, did you, you slag? - There seems to be a mistake.
You, shut it!
- No, mate, you don't understand. - l warned you! Didn't l?
(Lift door pings)
David.
Natalie!
- Working late? - l'm glad l caught you.
Oh, l've been in meetings all day.
You know what it's like for senior management.
l'm hoping to one day.
l wanted to apologise for last night.
Oh, David, you don't have to apologise.
- lt's very good of you to say that. - But your friend should. What was her name?
Jenny. Jenny Gifford.
Jenny Gifford, yes.
Well, of course, there's the damage to the dress, plus the personal distress.
Ordinarily, l'd sue her ass off, but then this isn't the States unfortunately.
So l guess l'll have to settle for a letter of apology.
- l'll dictate one in the morning. - Not you, David.
Jenny Gifford.
(Ping)
- Yeah. OK, then. Well, l'll see you then. (Front door opens)
Yeah. Bye!
- Hi. - Oh, my God! What happened to your eye?
Oh, just some bloke. He thought l was trying to be a father to his child.
Rach, l've been thinking. Erm...we should go out to dinner.
Yeah, fine. Well, l'll go and have a bath.
No, no, no, not tonight. Tomorrow.
OK.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for inviting us.
- Gosh, aren't we being polite? - Look, David, erm...
(Clears throat)
l want to apologise.
l had a little bit too much to drink the other night and erm...
l'm really sorry if l embarrassed you.
Sorry.
Apology accepted.
(Both talk at once)
- Sorry. - Sorry. No, after you.
No, l was just going to say,
what do you think of this Adam and Rachel news, then?
- Bit of a surprise. - lsn't it?
- l think Adam's struggling with it a bit. - Oh, l dunno, he's coming round.
What do you mean by that?
l can't. l promised l wouldn't.
What?
- Tell you. - Come on, Pete!
Well, you know they're going out for dinner tonight?
Adam's going to propose.
Well...
lt was delicious.
lt was good.
- Hey! - Dessert menu?
- Er, no, we'll just have coffee. - Yes, please!
l'm terribly sorry.
Your coffees will be with you presently.
- Thanks. - All right.
Hey, Guido, hey!
l quite fancied some ice cream.
Apparently, it's not very good here.
The ice cream?
Yeah. lt's bizarre, isn't it?
..and the smell of burnt sprouts in the morning!
(Laughter)
You know Natalie, my boss?
Yeah, right. The one with the sense of humour stuck up her arse.
Precisely. She wants you to write her a letter of apology.
- No! - Give over!
And she says she'll take it out on me if you don't.
No!
- Oh, no! - You're making it up.
Yes!
Yes.
You did ruin her dress.
She called you a moron, you moron.
Yes, and there's the cost of her dress as well.
Look, l'll tell you what. We'll go halves,
if you could just see your way to scribbling a quick note?
That seems fair, Jenny.
lt did look expensive.
DAVlD: Or l could dictate it for you, if you like?
All you've got to do is sign.
Yeah, right. Very much like a confession.
No, David. No.
Sorry, no. Apologising to you, yeah, fair enough. But Natalie, no.
We've still got our pride.
Right, we'll pay for the dress ourselves. How much do you reckon?
- Signorina. - Thanks.
- E signore. - Thank you.
You know the one subject we haven't mentioned tonight?
Yeah. l thought you'd been avoiding it.
No.
l have.
Well, maybe we should discuss it now.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Adam, the thing is... - No, no, no. Please. Let me.
The last few days, Rach, l've been doing a lot of thinking.
About you.
About me.
About the three of us.
FEMALE CHORUS: ♪ One, two, three, four - And...
♪ Oh, happy day - Well...
l've come to a decision.
♪ Oh, happy day
♪ Oh, what a happy day ♪ Oh, happy day
♪ Oh, it's a happy day ♪ Oh, happy day
♪ Oh, happy day
♪ lt was a happy day
♪ Oh, happy...
(Softly) ♪ ..day
Will you do me the very great honour...
of becoming my wife?
Smile!
- Jesus, Adam! - Sorry.
l've still got your spare key.
Congratulations?
He told you?
Mmm. He kept it to himself...
for five minutes.
- Where is he? - We had a row.
Tell me.
ADAM: At first, l thought they were tears ofjoy.
But when cake had been served to all the other diners...
..and when the Finklesteins had promised to come from New Jersey for the wedding...
Then...
..when she was still crying...
..l knew there was a problem.
That's when she told you?
- l'm so sorry, Adam. - (Sobs)
l'm so sorry.
- (Sobs) - Oh, Rachel!
Karen, have you seen my...?
Karen, l'll never forget the look on his...face.
lt's all right.
lt's all right, it's all right.
l promise. l promise.
lt'll be all right.
All right?
- Sorry! - Sorry. No, l'm sorry.
- l don't know what came over me. - No, nor me.
Yeah. Probably best forgotten.
Definitely.
Adam who?
Sorry.
Tea!
Come on.
Er, well...
Er...
teapot, tea.
(Door opens)
- Adam. What are you doing here? - l'm just going to bed.
Oh, right.
- Tea! Hey? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Tea.
They expect what?
Hey, you tell them if they want to go to the Met over this, they picked the right guy.
David, what can l do for you?
Er, Jenny, my friend from the other night?
She's asked me to give you this.
- ls this all? - lf it's not enough, l'll make up the difference.
No, no, no. lt's not that. Where's the word ''sorry''?
l was rather hoping you were joking about that.
David, have you ever known me to joke?
l'll talk to her again.
You do that.
Does she still love him?
She says not.
Claims it was all a dreadful mistake.
Well, she did send him packing.
Great.
She was having a rough time, she was going through a divorce.
Oh, yeah, right. So she sleeps with a guy she's divorcing, now she's expecting his baby?
Unless it's yours.
They can't tell?
Well, they can't see the family resemblance!
l don't know, Pete.
- Maybe we're just not suited. - Of course you are!
Well, first of all she does this, and then my reaction is to snog...someone else.
What?
No! Go on, who?
l was...speaking hypothetically.
Oh.
So what are you going to do?
Drink.
(Phone rings)
(Dog yaps)
JENNY ON ANSWERPHONE: Hello! lt's us. We're not in.
Obviously, and you've got to leave a message and we'll have to call you back.
Cheers.
(Beep)
Jenny, it's David.
Look, l really must insist that you write that letter of apology to Natalie.
And er, well, l don't want to say that our friendship depends on it but erm...
Oh, just write the damn thing, will you?
(Beep)
Me?
- A dad? - Possibly.
Wow.
But also...
possibly not.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
How did Adam take it?
Not as well as you.
ln fact...
we haven't seen each other since.
We've split up.
Oh, really?
Does that mean you might be on your own with the kid?
lt's looking like that.
lt needn't.
l er...
OK.
You know l'm crazy about you, don't you?
Always have been. (Laughs)
And er...
That night,
when we slept together,
l...l know we were both drunk.
lt was more than that, though, wasn't it?
Leastways, it may well be.
Look, Rach...
l would love to have a kid with you.
Even Adam's.
Yeah?
Oh, Kris.
That's not what this is about.
l just thought that you had a right to know.
l love Adam. l want the baby to be his.
And if it's mine?
Well, then, you have as much access as you want.
To the baby.
Hello, come in.
Will you and David come round to ours at 6:30 tomorrow?
Yeah, sure. Are you all right?
l'll see you tomorrow.
Bye!
''l know you didn't intend your comments to be taken personally,
and l regret the way in which l overreacted.
l hope you'll accept my apology.
Yours sincerely, Jenny Gifford.''
- Satisfied? - Well, it's all there.
l think we can call this an end to the matter.
Just one thing.
Why is Jenny's signature on the letter
completely different from the one on her cheque?
As though they were written by two different people?
- Wanker! - (Giggles)
Oi!
l want a word with you.
Oh, Christ.
l want to say l'm sorry.
Sorry?
For having a go the other day.
lt was bang out of order.
So...
lt looks to be healing up nicely.
(Doorbell)
- So, who else has she invited? - l don't know.
- What's it for, anyway? - l don't know!
l don't see why we had to come round.
lt's not as if you two are averse to using the phone.
David!
(Front door closes)
(Voices and laughter)
- Jenny! - David!
Look, l'm...
Jenny, l...
l owe you an apology.
l shouldn't have asked you to write to Natalie.
After all, she got what she deserved.
Well...
Cheers, David. Cheers.
l appreciate that.
Please!
PETE: So...
What about Natalie?
Well, l saw her earlier.
You're right.
Jenny didn't write the letter.
Jenny doesn't owe you an apology.
And, in fact, l'm not going to ask her for one.
l'm loyal to my friends, Natalie.
l know that's not something you respect or recognise.
But for me, it is something to be valued.
Now, l've heard tell that you're in danger of being shunted off into Research.
That's a bit of a dead-end job.
Now, that's Sir Donald's decision, isn't it?
What's Sir Donald got to do with this?
Nothing. lt'sjust he and l happen to be members of the same golf club.
l'm drawn against him next week in the Challenge Cup.
lt might help if you were to talk to him.
For a friend,
l might even lose.
DAVlD: And, of course, what Natalie doesn't realise
is Sir Donald plays off-scratch and l'd have lost anyway.
- You're such a bullshitter! - That's what they pay me for.
- There you go. - Great.
ls this why you invited us round here?
What?
Well, the whole kiss-and-make-up rubbish?
l didn't know you'd fallen out.
Oh, right.
Why are we here, then?
To say goodbye.
You live here.
No, l don't.
l'm leaving...Manchester.
l've given up my job and l'm going to live in London with my sister
until the baby's born.
Yeah, so we managed to patch things up.
l'm glad to hear it.
How are things with you?
Not great.
lt turns out my girlfriend might be pregnant by another bloke.
What are you going to do?
l still haven't decided.
Well, l know what l'd do.
l'd kill him.
Anyone who'd been near my missus.
And then l'd kill her.
Nice thought.
Not really my style, though.
No, l can see that.
Rachel, l realise there's a certain degree of shame
regarding the baby's parentage, but...leaving town?
David, it's nothing to do with shame.
l just... l can't be here any more.
l have to go away.
We'll really miss you, Rach.
Not as much as l'll miss you.
Please don't hate me.
Oh, Rach.
When do you go?
My taxi's just outside now, actually.
And my train goes in half an hour, so...
Would one of you give me a hand down with my bags?
You know, a lady in my condition.
Do you love her?
(Resigned laugh)
Despite her faults?
Believe me, it's the only way.
Then maybe you should swallow your pride, get back together.
lt doesn't mean to say you can't still hurt him.
After all, the child's going to need his father...
..even if it isn't his own.
Do you think so?
l can't think of a more graphic way.
Yeah, since you've ruled out violence.
l've gotta go.
Thanks.
- See you. - Ta-da.
Rachel!
Rach?
Rachel!
Come on, come on, come on!
Jen, you were with Rach. Where is she?
She's gone.
- Gone? - She gave us a letter to give to you.
- Where has she gone? - London.
To live with her sister.
She's catching the 7:30 train.
- Sorry, Adam. (Line goes dead)
Adam?
(Piano music swells)
(Train whistle)
Rachel!
Adam!
GUARD: All aboard now, please!
Don't go. Stay.
l don't care whose the baby is. l'll be its father.
- Oh, Adam, do you mean that? - Yes. Anything so long as we can be together.
Yes.
- Adam! - Rachel!
l...Adam, l...
Adam!
Rachel!
Adam! Adam!
The train now standing at platform four is the 1 9.:30 to London Euston.
- Let's see your ticket. - l haven't got one.
- The office is over there. - l'm not going anywhere.
- Not without a ticket, you won't. - No, l just need to see someone on the train!
Only passengers are allowed on the platform.
(Gate closes)
Oi!
(Hiss of coffee machine)
(Train doors slam)
Rachel!
- Adam? - Rachel, don't go. Stay.
l don't care whose baby it is. l'll be its father.
- l wanted to go without seeing you. - What? Why?
Well, because l...
Because l hate myself.
l've ruined everything. lt could never be the same between us again.
- l love you! Enough for both of us. - Enough for three?
- Yes. Even if it's his. - You can't say that.
- l can! l did. - You can't mean it.
- l do! (Guard's whistle)
Rachel, please, you've got to get off this train.
Adam, it is his.
ls it?
You see?
You want to mean it, but you can't, until you know for sure.
ls it his?
Oh, l don't know.
That's the whole point, isn't it?
Every day that l'm pregnant, we'll be wondering.
And dreading the moment of truth.
Well...
l can't go through that, Adam,
for the baby's sake.
GUARD: You're going to have to close that door! Now!
(Guard's whistle)
She's gone.
Come on, mate. Let's go home, yeah?